I did not have the peace of mind to say what I was feeling. A year ago this day, I was lying on my back unable to move or enjoy the freedom of being able to leave my bed. A year ago this day I let myself fall further then I ever have before.

On February the 13th, at 9:00 AM, I was admitted to Surrey Memorial Hospital after an attempt to end my own life. At 4:00 AM Sunday morning, a mixture of alcohol, Tylenol and Ibuprofen sent me spiraling to a very dark place I thought I wouldn’t wake up from. I did wake up, unsure if I was still alive or not. I got as far as the bathroom before I collapsed and my family found me. I was rushed to ER where I was hooked up to IV’s to clear the drugs out of my system. 4 days of nothing but needles, blood tests, sickness and beeping went by very slowly. Valentines day was spent with my dad, and it honestly would’ve gone by if he didn’t remind me. After being stuck in ER, I was transferred to Langley Memorial Hospital where I was in the psychiatric care unit for another 10 days. The place itself was intimidating at first, the people not so much. All I really saw were just people with severe depression and bi-polar disorder. At first glance they all seemed like normal people. All I really did there was draw, write, read and go to the occasional check up with the psychiatrist. My stay there wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. It really gave me time to clear things up with myself. Opened my eyes to the fact that I had been dealing with Chronic Depression for a while and doing nothing about it.

That’s how I got there, but I’m sure you’re asking why?

The real reason: nothing to do with Valentine’s Day or any of that. I honestly just had a great hate and anger towards myself for things I had done and who I’d become. I let my pride get the best of me the months previous and I did a lot things I’m not proud of hurt a lot of people. I lost a lot of respect from those who used to look up to me, and more so lost the love from the people who meant the most to me. I lost my girlfriend and my bestfriend because I was too selfish to give up one of them for the other. With them I lost my closest friends, because I kept using them as a crutch. And at the end of it, I was so disgusted with how I dishonored myself and people around me. The anger, the guilt, the shame, it all consumed me and the stress made me snap. The voices in my head took over they were all saying the same thing. I really just wanted to stop the spiraling mess around me, and since I thought I was the heart of it all, I thought the most logical thing to do would be to take myself out peoples lives so the hurting would stop. If anything, my suicide was self righteous and it was only to relieve my guilt instead of trying to fix things around me.

Why am I posting this?

Because its been a year since this happened and things have completely turned around for me. And honestly, if anyone is reading this and has, or is considering taking your life because things are rough around you, please take a minute and hear me out. Your life is precious and you’re only given one. I understand our situations may not be the same, and you most likely have it much worse that I do, but I assure you things will get better if you let them. A lot of the time, its the voices in our heads who push over the edge, not the voices around us. We are often times our own worst enemies and the things we say about ourselves outweigh the harsh words or actions from others. I know this because I was bullied in elementary school to the point where I wanted to kill myself, but looking back at it, the way I perceived myself was much worse than what they used to say about me. So please believe me when I say you’re a beautiful person and no matter what anyone says or does to you, your life is worth a lot more than any words or scars. I was given a second chance because someone up there was looking out for me, knowing I still had a purpose in life and this may be one of them. Honestly, if I can stop even one person from jumping, cutting, hanging or drugging themselves, I’ll know the second chance I was given wasn’t in vain. I know I may never meet you, or even begin to understand your pain, but I want you to know I love you and I want you to be happy and if this means anything to you, please, please promise me you’ll take a minute and reconsider your decision. I know I can’t stop you, and in the end its your decision, but please remember its never too late to change. You deserve happiness, you are never worthless, and you are loved, and no matter what, things will get better.

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